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Transgender Children and Youth:  Understanding Your Child’s Transgender Identity and Explaining it to Others

Medically reviewed by Dr. Scott Mosser on January 25, 2025.

Gender 101:

Most people in our society are taught that gender exists as a binary: there are women and men. We are often taught that gender is determined at birth once a doctor sees the signs of the child’s biological sex–in this case, their genitals. But neither biological sex nor gender are that simple.

When we think of gender in binary terms, we tend to stereotype. For example, men and masculinity are often associated with strength and reason, whereas women and femininity are often associated with weakness and emotion.

People, of course, are much more complex than stereotypes. Individuals’ preferences, hobbies, personality traits and even career choices may differ from what they were taught their gender is supposed to do. For some, this dis-identification goes further: trans and non-binary people do not merely defy gender stereotypes, they do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth.

Gender identity refers to the gender (or genders) with which a person identifies. Identity is not the same as choice. For example, a trans woman is someone who identifies as a woman, transcending the male sex category she was assigned at birth. She is not a “biological male” who “chooses to be” a woman.

The following are definitions for key terms regarding gender identity:

• Trans: A person who is trans or transgender has a gender identity that transcends the one they were assigned at birth. For example, someone assigned female at birth may identify as a man or boy.
• Non-binary: A person who is non-binary does not identify exclusively as a man or woman.
• Gender-variant and gender non-conforming: These are umbrella terms that refer to individuals whose gender identity and/or presentation does not align with their gender assigned at birth.

How do I Know if my Child is Transgender or Non-Binary?

The short answer is that professionals make the determination if a child is transgender or non-binary if their insistence on their gender identity is persistent, meaning it goes beyond just a few months or a year. If you think your child might be trans, we recommend you reach out to a gender therapist for support.

To be clear, gender non-conforming behavior and preferences do not necessarily mean that your child is transgender. If a young girl refuses to wear dresses and prefers to play sports with boys, that does not necessarily mean they are transgender or non-binary. While a child’s preferences and behaviors can be clues to their gender identity in some cases, this is not always the case.

Is it Normal for Children and Adolescents to Not Identify with the Sex They were Assigned at Birth?

Most children are cisgender, meaning they identify with the sex they were assigned at birth. Just because trans and non-binary children are less in numbers does not mean that they are abnormal, unnatural or that there is something wrong with them. To the contrary, having a trans or non-binary child is a gift.

Most children will begin to develop a sense of their gender identity between the ages of 3-5 years old. During this period, your child may outwardly express whether or not they consider themselves to be a “boy” or “girl,” regardless of whether that aligns with their sex assigned at birth. Likewise, they will likely gain more awareness of gender stereotypes and expectations, and experiment with their gender expression accordingly.

Many trans and non-binary youth may not have the language at a young age to put a precise name to their identity. That is ok and often unnecessary to support your child. The most important thing you can do as a parent is demonstrate your love and acceptance of your trans youth. We encourage you to give them permission to explore their gender free from shame. You can read more about the importance of acceptance below:

The Importance of a Supportive Environment: Gender Affirmation

Trans and gender variant youth are at greater risk of depression, anxiety and substance abuse when they experience rejection and hostility around their identity from immediate caregivers. When trans youth experience rejection and bullying either at home or in school, they are placed at a greater risk of suicide than their cisgender peers who face similar victimization. Not to mention, research has shown that trans youth have even higher rates of suicide as a result of living in a state that has passed anti-trans legislation.

Attempting to change a trans child’s gender identity through so-called “conversion therapy,” prohibiting or shaming their gender expression will cause far more, long-term psychological harm than good. These often religion-based “conversion therapies” are condemned by various professional organizations for these reasons, including the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association and more.

The point being, parental support makes a huge difference not only in trans youths’ mental health, but also can have a profound impact on their decision to take their own life. By affirming your youth’s gender identity, you can create a safe, supportive environment for them to experience love, connection and acceptance that is not tied to a shame or rejection of who they are.

Gender-affirmation refers to the social, legal and medical ways that we as a society affirm the gender-identity of trans, non-binary and gender nonconforming people. This can look like:

• Social gender affirmation: Respecting the name and pronouns that are in-line with someone’s identity. Respecting an individual’s self-determination of gender identity and gender expression—for example, giving your child permission to experiment with clothing and/or binders.
• Legal gender affirmation: Changing an individual’s name and/or sex/gender marker on official documents.
• Medical gender affirmation: For minors with parental consent and the support and clearance of a multidisciplinary medical team, this could involve taking puberty blockers, starting hormone replacement therapy or undergoing chest reconstruction top surgery.

Modeling Respect: How to Talk to Family and Friends About your Child’s Gender Identity

Before taking it upon yourself to talk to family and friends about supporting your trans child, you want to make sure that you have permission from your child to divulge their identity to others.

If and when your child is ready to open up to family and friends about their gender, move forward with care. Maybe you and your young person decide together that there are certain family members or close friends who you are going to leave out of these conversations because they might have a harmful reaction. Or maybe you decide to have these conversations one at a time in order to slowly move through this process. Whatever you decide in partnership with your young person will be the right decision for you and your family.

When having conversations about your transgender child, either on their behalf or with them present, use the appropriate name, gender pronouns, and any other language that your child requests. Set the tone for the conversation by modeling how your child wants to be referred to, and keep the conversation open. Likewise, we encourage you to model compassion and patience with others and practice putting up boundaries with those who cause harm to your child. Doing so will help model to others how to treat your child with respect.

I Need Help Understanding: Support for Parents of Trans Youth

It is perfectly normal if you need to do your own processing before your child gives the green light to discuss their trans identity with others. It is best to find a confidential outlet, such as a licensed therapist, to have these conversations with so as not to violate the trust and guidance of your young person. If you are looking for a therapist, the World Professional Association on Transgender Health’s (WPATH) directory of providers can be a good place to start.

Regardless of whether or not you can access a gender therapist or coach, many parents benefit from joining a community of caretakers of LGBT+ youth. If you think you could benefit from being in a supportive group of other parents in a similar situation, we encourage you to see if there is a local PFLAG chapter in your town.

Additional Resources:

Because lots of folks ask about how to have conversations with young kids about gender identity, there are many resources available on this topic. Planned Parenthood and the Huffington Post both have published resources about how to talk to children about gender identity. Additionally, Gender Justice has resources and a book and media list for how to talk about gender with young kids. These resources include information on how to explain trans identity to young children and how to talk to kids who might be experiencing gender dysphoria, discomfort, or gender creativity. We also recommend the short documentary film entitled A Place In The Middle about how a community in Hawai’i uses traditional Hawaiian cultural values to rally behind a young person’s gender identity.